“I fell in love with you, girl I miss us.” I’m singing along with Torey Lanez and Bryson Tiller and making “Keep In Touch” a love song to myself. Self, taking yourself for granted will no longer be tolerated. This is the last day you create a world of doubt as a safe haven from beauty and success. This is the last day you demand more of you than just simply learning to have gratitude for your presence in the world.
All week I have been trying to come up with something deep and reflective to share with you all. I felt it was my responsibility. I needed to send you evidence that I am still worthy of your attention, positive attention…
…I got nothing.
I have been working on learning to enjoy my journey, but this is the part that always gives me the most trouble. I spent many nights away at camp thinking about how I was going to practice patience and gratitude when I got home. I prayed, “God give me one more chance. I will get it right this time.” But what if I don’t? I prayed this prayer several times before. Once when I totaled that Acura back in 2006 with four of my five children in the car and again in 2014 when I found out I had breast cancer.
Every morning since July 9, 2020 I sit up in my bed with the intention of keeping my promise to God. I make a to do list and start ticking away at it. Find a way to make money that supports my family and speaks to my passion. Check. Enroll in school and classes to make sure I am highly qualified and prepared for new opportunities as they come to me. Check. Spend time with the kids, check on my friends, the list goes on and I update it once a week. I never added self-care to the list. I have not practiced enough gratitude and now I feel my patience leaving me.
Now that I have written the previous paragraph I realize that what is holding me back from the level of success I deserve is my refusal to accept that there is a time to sow and a time to reap. I have to remind myself constantly to have gratitude for being able to turn the soil and plant the seeds. Today I am grateful for having the seeds to sow, the land to plant it in, and the strength to be able to do it.
I read something on social media once. It was, “Fate whispers to the warrior, ‘You can’t handle the storm.’ The warrior whispers back, ‘I am the storm.’” For some reason that hit my spirit just the right way. As they say, that meme hit different when you going through something.
Fate is defined as “the development of events beyond a person’s control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power.” Since I looked up that definition, I got the definition of storm as well. “A tumultuous reaction; an uproar or controversy”. Hell, I might as well leave the definition of warrior here while I am at it, just to be thorough. Warrior is defined as “a brave or experienced soldier or fighter.”
My analysis, fate has no business whispering to me. Fate does not even exist. All that exists is what happens in truth and love and the fruit that grows from their union. The storm, well, I am that. The beautiful, tumultuous, necessary uproar that makes magical change happen. Warrior, there was never any question about that. I am brave. I am experienced. I am a fighter.
What you have read are entries to a journal I no longer use because I have a platform now. There was no particular purpose. It is a mental cleansing so that mental and emotional toxins do not overwhelm my body and skew the intention of my work.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for the love. Leave a message if you need me. I will be in the mirror having a meeting with someone that I love, but have neglected for a long time.
(Presses play, closes eyes, takes a deep breath and just listens. “I fell in love with you, I fell in love. Girl, I miss us. Nah, I won’t front, got me so sprung. ‘Cause you, you’re one of one…”)